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Old 01-10-2019, 10:41 PM   #14451
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Looking for more of or about her?
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Old 01-12-2019, 06:38 PM   #14452
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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know Y...
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Old 01-12-2019, 09:19 PM   #14453
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I sent Onan out to fill the bird feeder. Big mistake. He spilled his seed on the ground.
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Old 01-13-2019, 02:01 AM   #14454
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 01-13-2019, 05:31 AM   #14455
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If you have a bad day at work, think about this guy!
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Old 01-13-2019, 06:53 AM   #14456
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An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollarís worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."
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Old 01-13-2019, 11:26 AM   #14457
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Great response! And I concur.

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Old 01-13-2019, 11:40 AM   #14458
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Jeff Bezo's wife has left him. With a neighbour, presumably.
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Old 01-13-2019, 12:54 PM   #14459
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My Russian wife was delighted when she got her visa to stay in the country permanently. I didn't realise she'd have to stay in London for three months to get it though.
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Old 01-13-2019, 01:57 PM   #14460
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."
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